How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
