Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
