Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
