Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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