Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
