pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
