Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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