good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
