is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
