Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
