i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
