if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My vagina just clenched in fear
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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