Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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