tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
