Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
