I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
