Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
