This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
