I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
