I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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