If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So squirting runs in the family.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
