i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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