just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you never un-have a 4some
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize