Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
As shirtless as possible
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
