When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
