I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
