i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
