Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
