i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
