if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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