i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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