she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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