so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm passing your future prison.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
