I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
