My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
