She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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