I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
