Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
