We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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