it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize