no, he came in my armpit
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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