My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
