youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
