Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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