i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
