At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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