U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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