I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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