I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
