To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize