dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
