just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
