My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
