Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Panties = found
Randomize
