ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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