Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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