Having a random hookup so left but love u
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
