He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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