i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
