Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
